


Evil Author 2020: Unfinished bits and pieces

by misslucy21



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/M, Families of Choice, Gen, Has anyone else ever noticed that Julian is the Whump!Character of DS9?, Lots of season 5, M/M, Multi, Psychological Trauma, getting to the recovery part, neuroatypical!Julian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-22 06:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22744651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misslucy21/pseuds/misslucy21
Summary: It's Evil Author Day! These are bits and pieces from my Folder 'o Stuff that may or may not ever go anywhere (that's the evil part!)
Relationships: Amsha Bashir & Julian Bashir & Richard Bashir, Julian Bashir/Keiko O'Brien/Miles O'Brien
Comments: 12
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1 (Julian & Parents)

**Author's Note:**

> I've cleaned up a couple of these, but some of them are pretty rough and more or less in the format I write in before I polish everything up. So be forewarned. Also, again, these are WIP and they may not ever go any further than this. Lector Emptor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere in season 4, I think. Richard has a child during an affair and circumstances occur that place the child with him and Amsha when she's about 3. Julian finds out.

“Did you honestly believe that I would allow a child to remain in your care? Did you?”

“Jules…,” his father began.

“There is no way I would let you anywhere near another child. No. I am taking her with me.”

“She’s not yours to take.”

“She’s not yours to keep.”

“Julian, please,” his mother pleaded. 

“If you’d like, I can involve the authorities. Explain exactly why you are not fit to be parents.”

“You can’t.” His father was aghast.

“I would. If it kept you from harming another child, I would.”

“We didn’t harm you! We never abused you,” his father insisted.

“Not physically, maybe, although as the person who actually went through the genetic resequencing, I might argue that point. But re-engineering your child who didn’t measure up is most certainly abuse. The pressure was abusive. The way you used me to....cover over your own inadequacies was abusive.”

“We were helping you!”

“You don’t help someone by killing them. Even Jules would have known that much.”


	2. Chapter 2: Intervention time, Dax style

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post "Dr. Bashir, I Presume", but rolling all of S4-5 into things.

Julian: I don’t know what’s  _ wrong _ with me lately. This week has just been awful. 

Dax: Seriously?

J: What do you mean? 

D: Julian. You’ve had a pretty rough time of it. For most of a year, really. First there was the Teplan Blight thing and then a few months later you get injured helping people during a Klingon attack, then you and Leeta break up, which I know was mutual, but still. Then you go to a medical conference about the same kinds of burns you had just a few months before and I know you were ambivalent about that even if you didn’t say so. And  _ then _ you’re kidnapped and spend almost 6 weeks in a Dominion prison camp. And once you get home and are starting to get your feet back under you, your parents show up and now everyone knows they had you genetically enhanced as a child, which is a secret you’ve been keeping your entire adult life and you think you’re about to be sent down and stripped of your medical license and possibly going to prison. And even though none of that happens, you still get to deal with everyone knowing something about you that you probably would rather they didn’t. Not to mention the fallout of dealing with other people’s feelings about the whole thing. Honestly, Julian, I’m kind of amazed you’re managing to  _ get out of bed _ in the morning, let alone be mostly functional. 

J: Oh. 

D: Yeah. Oh. 

J: I..uh. Yeah. 

D: Overwhelmed?

J: A bit.

D:  _ Good _ .

Miles: All right, then. He’s good. 

D: Sorry. It’s just, you’ve got to start dealing with some of this, Julian. 

M: She’s right. t’s trauma, kiddo. Just because you don’t want to feel it doesn’t mean it’s going to go away. 

J: I know that.

D: Then do something. Anything, at this point. You’re drowning. 

J: It’s not…

M: if that sentence ends with “that bad”, I’m chucking these chips at you. 

J: Fine. 

D: We do have resources here. 

M: Telnorri’s a good guy, really. 

J: I know. I’m his boss. 

D; You know, I never thought of that. That does make it a little...complicated. 

J: A little.

M: Hmm. You know, at least back home, priests and such have some sort of counseling training. Wonder if it’s the same for Vedeks. 

D: Oh, good point. And if anyone knows about trauma…

M: What I was thinking. 

D: We can ask Kira. Here, Dax to Kira

Kira: Kira here

D: Hey, am I pulling you away from anything? 

K: No, not really. What’s up? 

J: we are not having this conversation in Quarks. I can’t believe I even let you have this much of this conversation in Quarks. [Miles helpfully refrains from pointing out that he’d started the conversation]

D: We need your expertise on something. Think you could come over to my quarters?

K: That sounds...ominous. 

D: It’s not. And not a surprise, either. 

K: Okay. give me ten or so. I’ll be over. 

D: Great, Dax out. Come on, let’s take this somewhere more comfortable. 

Grumble. Sigh

D: Make yourselves at home. I’ll be back in a minute. Let Kira in if she get here. 

Julian sits down in the farther chair and pulls his knees up to his chin. The defensive posture has just about become standard, which always makes Miles want to hug him. Or something. Keep him close. 

He just goes to the replicator and punches up some English Breakfast, extra light, extra sweet. Julian’s favorite may be Tarkalein tea, but every so often, Miles will catch him drinking this instead. And Miles gets it- it’s all he wants sometimes when he’s sick, himself, and childhood things just equal comfort. 

"Here." 

"Thanks." 

Kira arrives just as Dax emerges from her bedroom. "Oh good. We have a question." 

K: Oh? [looks at Miles, then Julian]

D: Do Vedeks do any sort of counseling? Trauma therapy? 

K: Ah. [looks at Julian] Asking for a friend?

J: I’m right here. 

K: She asked, though. 

J: I...said it was okay. Mostly. 

D: He did. He’s Telnorri’s boss, so that makes that a bit awkward. We were thinking of alternatives. 

K: Huh. I didn’t think about that. 

D: Neither did we. 

K: I just thought you were being stubborn. 

M: Oh, he is being stubborn. We’re just ignoring that for the moment. 

J: I am not...you know what, never mind. Whatever. 

K: Well, to answer your question, yes, some do. More are getting official training now, than before, of course. 

D: Know anyone you’d recommend?

K: Maybe. Let me think about it. But first, you’re all right with talking to a religious person? 

J: I don’t mind. I wasn’t brought up with any, but I’ve never had any issues with it. I can’t say I’d become a believer, but I can respect belief. 

K: that’s about what I thought, but wanted to check. Okay, let me talk to some people, see if I can find anyone who could keep up with you. 

J, instantly wary: What’s that mean?

K: What? You like to argue and ask a million questions about everything. There’s some vedeks that wouldn’t appreciate that. 

J, relaxing.: Oh. All right. 

D: did you think she meant the enhancements?

J, shrugs.

K: Oh, no, that’s not what I mean. Just that it should be someone who’s up for a debate. 

J: I know. I’m sorry, I’m just…

M: tired and not really feeling well. 

J: that, I suppose. 

K: of course. It’s okay, Julian. 


	3. Chapter 3: Telling Keiko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling Keiko about the enhancements. Established Julian/Keiko/Miles relationship.

“Julian.”

“And, and I understand if you don’t want…”

_ “Julian. _ Come here.” She wrapped her arms around him and gave Miles a look that had him coming over to join the hug (from the side, where Julian could see him coming. His week had been bad enough without hitting his startle reflexes). Julian was stiff between them, Keiko whispering things like  _ It’s all right _ and  _ you’re okay, it’s okay _ . Miles rubbed his back. 

Julian finally relaxed enough to drop his head down to Keiko’s shoulder, awkwardly. He was shaking, terribly, breathing hard like he’d been sprinting. Miles got his arm around his back to keep his knees from buckling. 

“Come on, let’s sit down”, he suggested, and he and Keiko steered Julian to the couch and set him down between them. 

“I....I…”

Shhh,” Keiko said, reaching up and smoothing his hair back. “It’s  _ all right _ . Really, Julian. I promise.”

“I lied,” he whispered

“It’s not lying if it’s survival, Miles said firmly. 

“But…”

“It’s not lying if it’s survival”, Keiko repeated. 


	4. Chapter 4: Establishing Relationship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Establishing the parameters of the Julian/Keiko/Miles relationship. Season 4ish.

(he really is as oblivious as everyone thinks, but he is in no way as naive as they believe)

He learned pretty early on that being good at sex, or at least some sex acts, was a useful currency in some situations. He’s mostly stopped dealing in said currency, but old habits can be hard to break. It’s easier to believe you’re liked if people like you to touch them. 

And really, his interest in sex is more about feeling close to someone, being cuddled and touched. And the hormone rush- oxytocin is great for calming the buzzing in his head. It hadn’t occurred to him that you could get that in any other fashion until now. 

It’s a mostly-platonic relationship- there’s cuddling and quick kisses hello and good bye, but mostly that’s it. Occasionally, everyone’s in the right mood and some fun is had, but he can count on one hand the number of times it’s been all three of them. Him and Miles on their own is probably in double digits, but even that’s not an everyday sort of thing.


	5. Chapter 5: Explaining "Slow"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations with Julian and the O'Briens by what exactly did Julian mean by "I was slow"

“Can I ask you something about what you told me that afternoon?”

“About me?”

“Yeah. Only if you want.”

Julian thought for a moment, then nodded. “What did you want to know?” 

“You said you were...slow. What did you mean by that?” Miles asked. Keiko looked up from where she was folding laundry and raised an eyebrow. He ignored her. 

“I don’t know, exactly- I’d never had to describe it before. If there ever was a diagnosis, they didn’t tell me and the records are all gone now. I can’t ask them, they won’t answer,” Julian replied.

“Your parents?”

“Yes. They think it doesn’t matter. I’m fixed and “saved”, so there’s no need to discuss that.”

“Saved from what?” That was a weird way to say it. 

Julian shrugged. “Remedial education. No prospects. Shaming my parents. Something, anyway.” 

“Ah.” Miles said. Keiko looked angry but he shot her a look. Julian couldn’t see her the way he was lying on the bed, but he’d shut down if he thought either of them were reacting negatively. And then would probably get up and find a reason to go home and not sleep. “You have an idea, though, of what it could have been?”

“If I had to guess, based on what I do know, I’d guess Jules was probably autistic, with some developmental delays and probably an intellectual disability. Maybe also with an Executive Function Regulation Disorder (24th century speak for ADHD)- they’re known to be co-morbid.”

“And that equals slow.”

“Sort of. That was part of it. But he was just different, too.”

“What do you mean?” Keiko asked. 

“Jules was...quiet. Happy to be left to his own devices. He liked patterns and textures and stories and just looking at things. He wasn’t really interested in playing with the other kids. He didn’t know they were making fun of him.” 

Keiko frowned. Miles thought they were hitting dangerous territory, but didn’t stop her when she asked “Why do you make it sound like Jules is a separate person?” 

“Because he is. I’m not Jules. He died when they made me. We’re not the same.”

Miles and Keiko exchanged a look. Miles was no psychologist, but he was pretty sure that was not the healthiest thing to believe. 

“Julian…” he started, but Julian stopped him. 

“No. It’s  _ not _ the same. My memories aren’t as clear as things are now, but I remember Jules. I remember being Jules. And I remember being me. And they are different.”

Miles didn’t doubt that Julian was right about it feeling different, but his description of Jules really did not sound all that different from Julian. Julian wasn’t quiet, sure, and he was pretty social, but the rest of it sounded pretty awfully familiar. 

“So you’re not the person who runs his fingers over every different surface he encounters to find out what it feels like?” he asked, taking a chance on pointing out a similarity. 

“That’s not...it’s different.”

“Different how? I don’t understand.”

“I don’t...I don’t know how to describe it. It’s just different.” Julian was pulling in on himself and his hands were starting to twist around each other and his eyes darted around. 

“Okay,” Miles said, soothingly. “It’s okay. You don’t have to describe it. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask.” 

Julian nodded jerkily. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Then we’re done,” Keiko said, firmly. “Do you want some tea or something else to drink?"

====

“They don’t know. They  _ can’t _ .

Who doesn’t know?

My parents. Starfleet. People. 

Okay. Know what? 

I’m...I...still am like Jules. Sort of. 

The parts where he likes textures and patterns and things like that?

And gets too interested in things. And isn’t good at...people things. 

That describes you, a lot, too.

I know. And it _can’t_. 

Why not? 

Because, because they wanted him gone. And...and. He’s. I don’t know. 

He’s not really gone?

No. I guess, no. He’s still here sometimes. 

That’s okay, you know. There’s nothing wrong with any of that. 

I don’t want anyone...if it didn’t work, then they would try again. 

No one’s going to do that. No one’s going to do anything to you now. 

I know. I do. But they...they don’t always let people like Jules be...people. 

How do you mean?

The other Augments. The ones where it didn’t work right. They institutionalize them. They institutionalize people who aren’t….right. 

I’m sure they don’t institutionalize people without a good reason, Julian. 

They do, though. They always have. Someone else gets to make that decision, not the people who it affects. They don’t get a choice and if they push back, it’s worse. It  _ happens _ , Miles. 

Okay. I believe you. But no one’s saying that you aren’t able to make your own choices. 

Because they think I’m  _ normal _ . 

You  _ are _ normal, Julian. Being, what, autistic? That’s a normal variation of humans. Says so right in the first sentence of the database. 

I don’t know if I’m autistic. I don’t say I am, because I don’t know. I don’t know if I was to begin with and I don’t know what they changed and I don’t know how it changed that. I don’t want to say I’m something I’m not. 

It still doesn’t make you abnormal. 

I don’t know what I am. 

You’re Julian. Whatever you are, you’re Julian and Julian is just fine. 

Julian doesn’t feel just fine sometimes.

Well, neither does Miles sometimes, you know. 

I know. I wish I could change it. 

What, me? 

You shouldn’t have to feel like that.

Neither should you, kiddo. But that’s life sometimes. 

You won’t tell anyone?

That you’re still like Jules? Or that you’re not always okay?

That. Both. 

No, of course not. Not even Keiko if you don’t want me to. 

Thank you. 

You’re welcome. 


	6. Chapter 6: Post Internment Camp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Internment Camp, before Dr. Zimmerman shows up

Julian Bashir was fine. Honestly, actually, fine. Glad to be home, glad the changeling hadn’t done any damage to his patients or the people he cared about. Extremely glad to be able to take a shower, get a glass of water, and a mug of tea whenever he wanted. Even glad to give the exhaustive debrief Starfleet had demanded. No, he was fine. 

For six days. Then the nightmare hit. 

He’s no stranger to nightmares. He can’t remember if Jules had nightmares, but Julian’s had them since the beginning. And his sometimes tumultuous life had just layered more images, more fears, on top of the ones he’d started with. And really, spending 38 days in an Dominion internment camp (four, maybe five of them in solitary, which he had possibly skipped over in his retelling of the experience), was an experience that one should expect to give them nightmares, so it wasn’t a surprise. 

But waking up on the floor of his bedroom, with the dissonant music of the equipment on Adegeon Prime mixing with the cloyingly sweet voice of the Vorta still ringing in his ears, was still wholly disorienting. It took three long minutes for him to figure out where he was and what was real and what was not. The floor was cold. His shirt was soaked. He pulled himself up to his feet to find a fresh shirt and maybe a drink of water. 

The next thing he was aware of was sitting against the side of his couch, no memory of how he’d gotten there. His shirt was different, so he’d apparently gotten changed, but he didn’t know how long it had been since he woke up. Or really, even, if he’d fallen back asleep. He didn’t think so. 

His brain playing weird tricks with time was certainly not new. He did not actually have a precise sense of time, despite the enhancements (and didn’t that raise an interesting question in terms of how the human brain perceives time, but research questions that involved his brain were the opposite of viable avenues of exploration). And, if he was being honest, dissociation where he wasn’t entirely aware of his body was also not exactly new. The time thing was pretty well known- Julian was chronically late for things, except when he was extremely early because he’d overcompensated. The fact that sometimes he didn’t feel anchored in his own body was...not something he discussed.


End file.
